Boundary scripts for when other people get pulled into the dynamic.
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What are flying monkeys?
In narcissistic abuse recovery, “flying monkeys” are people who carry messages, apply pressure, or gather information on behalf of the person you’re trying to distance from. They may be friends, family members, coworkers, or even strangers who have heard a one-sided story.
Most are not villains. Some believe they are helping. Others are simply caught in a narrative they didn’t create. The goal is not to punish them — it is to protect your peace without getting pulled back into the cycle.
Why they show up
Understanding the role can help you respond without taking it personally.
•They were recruited. The other person may have shared a curated story that casts themselves as the victim.
•They want harmony. Some people feel anxious when a relationship ruptures and try to “fix” it without asking what you need.
•They need information. Curiosity, concern, or loyalty to the other person can turn a casual chat into intelligence gathering.
•They mirror the dynamic. People close to a harmful person sometimes repeat the same guilt, minimization, or pressure without realizing it.
Step-by-step boundary scripts
Borrow the language that fits. You do not owe anyone a perfect performance.
Script 01
A friend passes messages from the person you’re distancing from
1.Pause before responding. A quick reply often feeds the triangle.
2.Name the pattern calmly: ‘I’ve noticed a few messages get passed back and forth.’
3.State your boundary: ‘I’m not available to communicate through a go-between anymore.’
4.Redirect: ‘If they need something, they can reach me directly — and I’ll decide whether to respond.’
5.Close the loop: ‘I value you, but I’m asking you not to carry messages for either side.’
Script 02
A family member pressures you to ‘be the bigger person’
1.Acknowledge their concern without agreeing: ‘I hear that you want peace.’
2.Separate their worry from your choice: ‘That doesn’t mean I have to reopen a door I closed for a reason.’
3.Set a clear limit: ‘I’m not discussing my decision to step back. If you bring it up, I’ll change the subject.’
4.Follow through: If they persist, end the conversation kindly but firmly.
Script 03
Someone tries to guilt you with ‘but they’re family / a good person / going through a lot’
1.Validate the surface claim: ‘I’m sure they have people who care about them.’
2.Re-center your experience: ‘That doesn’t change what happened, or what I need right now.’
3.Refuse to debate: ‘I’m not looking for a jury. I’m asking you to respect my choice.’
4.Offer connection on other topics: ‘I’d love to talk about anything else with you.’
Script 04
A mutual friend asks for ‘your side’ and shares details with the other person
1.Assume goodwill once, but verify: ‘Are you asking because you care about me, or because this gets back to them?’
2.Protect information: ‘I’m not sharing details anymore. It’s too painful and it doesn’t help.’
3.Define the friendship: ‘If we’re friends, what I say stays between us. If it doesn’t, I’ll have to be more guarded.’
4.Observe behavior: If details leak again, treat the channel as compromised without announcing it.
Do this, not that
Small shifts in language and behavior can make a big difference.
Do
Keep your responses short, calm, and repeatable.
Don’t
Don’t over-explain, justify, or hand over evidence for them to debate.
Do
Decide in advance what you will and won’t discuss.
Don’t
Don’t improvise boundaries in the middle of pressure or guilt.
Do
Thank them for caring, then redirect the conversation.
Don’t
Don’t try to convert them to your side or prove the other person is harmful.
Do
Use ‘I’ statements about your needs and limits.
Don’t
Don’t diagnose, label, or trash-talk the other person to the go-between.
Do
Give yourself permission to leave, mute, or pause contact.
Don’t
Don’t stay in conversations that leave you shaky just to be polite.
Do
Document repeated boundary crossings if safety is a concern.
Don’t
Don’t expect the flying monkey to admit their role or change quickly.
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Disengage or respond?
A quick decision tool. Answer each question honestly; there are no wrong answers, only information about what you need right now.
Does the message involve threats, intimidation, or fear for your safety?
Do
•Prioritize your physical and emotional safety first.
•Document the threat (screenshots, dates, details) without responding.
•Contact local emergency services or a trusted support person.
Don’t
•Don’t reply to threats or try to reason with someone who is escalating.
•Don’t meet in person or share your location.
•Don’t minimize it as ‘just words’ if your body feels unsafe.
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When to disengage completely
Some flying monkeys are safe to redirect. Others are not. Consider limiting or ending contact if they:
•Repeatedly ignore your boundaries after you state them.
•Share private information with the person you left.
•Threaten, intimidate, smear you, or make you fear for your safety.
•Leave you feeling confused, drained, or ashamed after every interaction.
You are allowed to step away from anyone who acts as a pipeline back into harm.
The Reflection Method is a self-reflection framework, not a clinical or diagnostic tool. If you are in distress, please reach out to a licensed mental-health professional.