A flying monkey is a third party who acts on someone else’s behalf in a conflict — passing messages, pressuring you to reconcile, defending their version of events, or reporting back what you say. The name comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the witch sends winged monkeys to do her work at a distance.
Below: what the behaviour looks like in real life, why people take the role, word-for-word boundary scripts, and answers to the questions people ask most.
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What are flying monkeys?
In narcissistic abuse recovery, “flying monkeys” are people who carry messages, apply pressure, or gather information on behalf of the person you’re trying to distance from. They may be friends, family members, coworkers, or even strangers who have heard a one-sided story.
Most are not villains. Some believe they are helping. Others are simply caught in a narrative they didn’t create. The goal is not to punish them — it is to protect your peace without getting pulled back into the cycle.
Why they show up
Understanding the role can help you respond without taking it personally.
•They were recruited. The other person may have shared a curated story that casts themselves as the victim.
•They want harmony. Some people feel anxious when a relationship ruptures and try to “fix” it without asking what you need.
•They need information. Curiosity, concern, or loyalty to the other person can turn a casual chat into intelligence gathering.
•They mirror the dynamic. People close to a harmful person sometimes repeat the same guilt, minimization, or pressure without realizing it.
Examples of flying monkey behaviour
The role is easier to recognise by what gets said than by who says it.
“They just want to talk. Can I give them your number?”
Message-carrying. The go-between reopens a channel you closed, and any answer you give gets relayed.
“You know they’re really struggling since you left.”
Guilt as leverage — your boundary is reframed as the cause of someone else’s pain.
“Be the bigger person. Family is family.”
Pressure to reconcile that treats your decision as immaturity rather than a considered choice.
“I’m not taking sides, but what actually happened?”
Information gathering. Details shared here often reappear in the other person’s next message.
“They said you’ve been telling people things about them.”
Delivering the smear campaign back to you, usually to provoke a defence you can be quoted on.
“I saw your post — are you doing okay? They’re worried.”
Surveillance dressed as concern; your activity is being monitored and reported.
Step-by-step boundary scripts
Borrow the language that fits. You do not owe anyone a perfect performance.
Script 01
A friend passes messages from the person you’re distancing from
1.Pause before responding. A quick reply often feeds the triangle.
2.Name the pattern calmly: ‘I’ve noticed a few messages get passed back and forth.’
3.State your boundary: ‘I’m not available to communicate through a go-between anymore.’
4.Redirect: ‘If they need something, they can reach me directly — and I’ll decide whether to respond.’
5.Close the loop: ‘I value you, but I’m asking you not to carry messages for either side.’
Script 02
A family member pressures you to ‘be the bigger person’
1.Acknowledge their concern without agreeing: ‘I hear that you want peace.’
2.Separate their worry from your choice: ‘That doesn’t mean I have to reopen a door I closed for a reason.’
3.Set a clear limit: ‘I’m not discussing my decision to step back. If you bring it up, I’ll change the subject.’
4.Follow through: If they persist, end the conversation kindly but firmly.
Script 03
Someone tries to guilt you with ‘but they’re family / a good person / going through a lot’
1.Validate the surface claim: ‘I’m sure they have people who care about them.’
2.Re-center your experience: ‘That doesn’t change what happened, or what I need right now.’
3.Refuse to debate: ‘I’m not looking for a jury. I’m asking you to respect my choice.’
4.Offer connection on other topics: ‘I’d love to talk about anything else with you.’
Script 04
A mutual friend asks for ‘your side’ and shares details with the other person
1.Assume goodwill once, but verify: ‘Are you asking because you care about me, or because this gets back to them?’
2.Protect information: ‘I’m not sharing details anymore. It’s too painful and it doesn’t help.’
3.Define the friendship: ‘If we’re friends, what I say stays between us. If it doesn’t, I’ll have to be more guarded.’
4.Observe behavior: If details leak again, treat the channel as compromised without announcing it.
Pick your situation and get a short message you can send or say. Nothing you type here leaves your device.
They keep relaying what the other person said or wants.
Your message
Hey — I want to be straight with you about something. I've noticed messages have been getting passed back and forth through you. I'm not available to communicate through a go-between. If they need something, they can contact me directly and I'll decide whether to respond. I hope you can respect that.
Why it's built this way
Open without apologizing:Hey — I want to be straight with you about something.
Name the pattern, not the person:I've noticed messages have been getting passed back and forth through you.
State the boundary:I'm not available to communicate through a go-between.
Leave a door open:If they need something, they can contact me directly and I'll decide whether to respond.
Close and stop talking:I hope you can respect that.
Delivering it
Say it once. Repeating it invites negotiation.
If they push back, repeat the same sentence rather than adding new reasons.
Send it, then put the phone down. You don't have to watch for a reply.
Printable checklist
Tick the lines you want on hand, then save the sheet as a PDF for offline use. Ticks stay on this device.
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A friend passes messages from the person you’re distancing from
A family member pressures you to ‘be the bigger person’
Someone tries to guilt you with ‘but they’re family / a good person / going through a lot’
A mutual friend asks for ‘your side’ and shares details with the other person
Also printed: do this, not that
Do: Keep your responses short, calm, and repeatable. Don’t over-explain, justify, or hand over evidence for them to debate.
Do: Decide in advance what you will and won’t discuss. Don’t improvise boundaries in the middle of pressure or guilt.
Do: Thank them for caring, then redirect the conversation. Don’t try to convert them to your side or prove the other person is harmful.
Do: Use ‘I’ statements about your needs and limits. Don’t diagnose, label, or trash-talk the other person to the go-between.
Do: Give yourself permission to leave, mute, or pause contact. Don’t stay in conversations that leave you shaky just to be polite.
Do: Document repeated boundary crossings if safety is a concern. Don’t expect the flying monkey to admit their role or change quickly.
Books and support resources
A short, curated shelf and a list of US support services. These are starting points for understanding the pattern — not a substitute for professional care.
Small shifts in language and behavior can make a big difference.
Do
Keep your responses short, calm, and repeatable.
Don’t
Don’t over-explain, justify, or hand over evidence for them to debate.
Do
Decide in advance what you will and won’t discuss.
Don’t
Don’t improvise boundaries in the middle of pressure or guilt.
Do
Thank them for caring, then redirect the conversation.
Don’t
Don’t try to convert them to your side or prove the other person is harmful.
Do
Use ‘I’ statements about your needs and limits.
Don’t
Don’t diagnose, label, or trash-talk the other person to the go-between.
Do
Give yourself permission to leave, mute, or pause contact.
Don’t
Don’t stay in conversations that leave you shaky just to be polite.
Do
Document repeated boundary crossings if safety is a concern.
Don’t
Don’t expect the flying monkey to admit their role or change quickly.
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Disengage or respond?
A quick decision tool. Answer each question honestly; there are no wrong answers, only information about what you need right now.
Does the message involve threats, intimidation, or fear for your safety?
Do
•Prioritize your physical and emotional safety first.
•Document the threat (screenshots, dates, details) without responding.
•Contact local emergency services or a trusted support person.
Don’t
•Don’t reply to threats or try to reason with someone who is escalating.
•Don’t meet in person or share your location.
•Don’t minimize it as ‘just words’ if your body feels unsafe.
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When to disengage completely
Some flying monkeys are safe to redirect. Others are not. Consider limiting or ending contact if they:
•Repeatedly ignore your boundaries after you state them.
•Share private information with the person you left.
•Threaten, intimidate, smear you, or make you fear for your safety.
•Leave you feeling confused, drained, or ashamed after every interaction.
You are allowed to step away from anyone who acts as a pipeline back into harm.
Flying monkeys: common questions
What is a flying monkey?
A flying monkey is a third party — a friend, relative, coworker, or mutual acquaintance — who acts on behalf of a person you are in conflict with or distancing from. They pass messages, apply pressure to reconcile, defend that person's version of events, or gather information about you. The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the witch sends winged monkeys to do her work at a distance.
Are flying monkeys aware of what they are doing?
Often not. Many are well-meaning people who heard one side of a story and want the conflict to end. A smaller group knowingly relays information or pressure. Intent changes how you feel about them, but it does not change what you need: the channel back to you stays closed either way.
What are examples of flying monkey behaviour?
Common examples: 'They just want to talk, can I give them your number?', 'You know they're really struggling right now', 'Be the bigger person', asking for 'your side' and then repeating it, showing up unannounced to check on you, or reporting your social posts and whereabouts back to the other person.
How do I respond to a flying monkey?
Do not argue the facts of the other relationship. Name the pattern once, state a limit ('I'm not available to communicate through a go-between'), redirect, and then hold it by changing the subject or ending the conversation if they persist. Repeated boundary breaks are a reason to limit contact with that person too.
Is a flying monkey the same as an enabler?
They overlap but are not identical. An enabler makes harmful behaviour easier by excusing or absorbing it. A flying monkey is specifically deployed outward — toward you — as a messenger, recruiter, or information channel. One person can be both.
What is the difference between a flying monkey and a smear campaign?
A smear campaign is the story being spread about you. Flying monkeys are the people carrying and acting on that story. The campaign is the message; the flying monkeys are the delivery system. Our guide to a narcissist smear campaign covers the signs and how to shut it down.
The Reflection Method is a self-reflection framework, not a clinical or diagnostic tool. If you are in distress, please reach out to a licensed mental-health professional.