Hoovering
Contact after a breakup or discard designed to pull you back into the relationship.
Hoovering can look like an apology, an emergency, nostalgia, a practical excuse, or a promise of change. Evidence of change is behaviour sustained without an audience, not a well-timed message.
What it looks like
- A message arriving exactly when you'd started to feel steady.
- A crisis that only you can help with, from someone with other options.
- 'I've been in therapy' offered as a conclusion rather than as something you can see over months.
What it isn't
- A single, boundaried logistical message about a shared item or a child.
- A genuine amends that asks for nothing back.
One thing to do with this
Decide the response before the message arrives. Hoovering works on improvisation.
Where this shows up in the field guide
These sections of the green flags field guide cover the behaviours behind hoovering.