Hoovering
Contact after a breakup or discard designed to pull you back into the relationship.
Hoovering can look like an apology, an emergency, nostalgia, a practical excuse, or a promise of change. Evidence of change is behaviour sustained without an audience, not a well-timed message.
What it looks like
- A message arriving exactly when you'd started to feel steady.
- A crisis that only you can help with, from someone with other options.
- 'I've been in therapy' offered as a conclusion rather than as something you can see over months.
What it isn't
- A single, boundaried logistical message about a shared item or a child.
- A genuine amends that asks for nothing back.
One thing to do with this
Decide the response before the message arrives. Hoovering works on improvisation.
Where this shows up in the field guide
These sections of the green flags field guide cover the behaviours behind hoovering.
Go deeper on hoovering
- Hoovering test
A short read on whether the contact you received is a hoover, with next steps.
- Hoovering: why they come back after a discard
The full guide — the tactics, the timing, and how to answer without reopening the door.
Common questions
What does hoovering mean?
Hoovering is contact made after a breakup or discard that is designed to pull you back in — named after the vacuum brand. It can arrive as an apology, an emergency, nostalgia, a practical excuse, or a promise of change.
Is hoovering abuse?
Hoovering itself is a tactic, not a diagnosis. It becomes part of an abusive pattern when it repeats after you have asked for no contact, when it escalates once ignored, or when the contact is used to re-establish control rather than to make amends.
How long does hoovering last?
There is no fixed window. Attempts often cluster in the first weeks, then reappear at anniversaries, holidays, or whenever the other person's situation changes. Deciding your response in advance matters more than predicting the timing.