Reply scripts for each hoover type
Silence is a complete answer when nothing practical is unresolved. These scripts exist for the cases where you have decided a reply is necessary — shared children, housing, money, legal matters, or a workplace you both occupy. Keep them short, written, and factual: length invites a thread.
To the warm apology
"Thanks for the message. I'm not continuing contact." Nothing else. Explaining your reasoning gives material to argue with, and an argument is contact.
To the emergency
"I'm not able to help with this. If it's urgent, please call emergency services or someone nearby." Send once, then stop. If you are worried, ask a third party to check rather than becoming the responder.
To the logistics excuse
"I'll leave the charger with [name] on Saturday." One arrangement, one sentence, no questions asked back — questions are the hinge a thread swings on.
To the nostalgia drop
No reply. If a photo or memory arrives repeatedly, mute the channel rather than answering; even a thumbs-up registers as the channel being open.
To the provocation
No correction. If something untrue is said to other people, address it once with those people directly and never with the sender.
To the third party
"I appreciate you checking in. I'm not discussing them, and I'd rather not pass messages either way." This protects the friendship without leaving the door propped open.
To the future promise
"I'd rather see how things go over the next few months." Then act as if you said nothing — the point of a promise is to buy a reply now, and time is the only test it can't pass.
Grey-rock scripts when contact can't stop
Where children, tenancy, or shared finances make contact unavoidable, the goal shifts from no contact to boring contact. Grey rock is not coldness for its own sake; it is removing the emotional return on each message so the channel stops being worth using for anything else.
Confirming an arrangement
"Confirmed: Friday 5pm at the same place." No pleasantries, no explanation.
Declining a topic
"I'll keep this to arrangements for [child]." Repeat verbatim each time the topic drifts; consistency is what makes it land.
Answering a loaded question
"Noted." or "I don't have anything to add." A neutral acknowledgement closes a message without supplying a next line.
Handling a missed handover
"Recording that pickup did not happen at 5pm on 12 March." Documentation, not accusation — useful later, unrewarding now.
Phrases to keep out of every reply
"Why are you doing this?"
A question is an invitation. Any question restarts the exchange you are trying to end.
"After everything you did…"
History reopens the debate about whose account is correct — a debate that has no ending and no adjudicator.
"This is the last time I'm replying."
An announced boundary is a test to be probed. Enforce it silently instead of narrating it.
"I forgive you, but…"
Warmth plus a condition reads as a negotiation opener rather than a close.
"I've moved on / I'm seeing someone."
New information about your life is fuel. Say nothing that gives the next message a subject.
Build your exit plan in six steps
Step 1: Write the default response now
Decide, while calm, what happens when a message arrives: usually nothing. A written default removes the decision from the moment it is hardest to make.
Step 2: Name the only exceptions
List the four or five topics that get a reply — children, housing, money, legal, safety. Anything outside the list is unanswered by policy, not by mood.
Step 3: Set up the channels
Mute rather than block if you may need records, filter their messages into one folder, and check it on a fixed day rather than on arrival.
Step 4: Secure the practical layer
Change shared passwords, split joint accounts where you can, confirm who holds keys, and put your documents somewhere they cannot reach.
Step 5: Brief two people
Tell one friend and one person from the shared circle what your policy is, so third-party hoovers meet the same answer you would give.
Step 6: Plan the 48 hours after contact
A hoover restarts craving whether or not you reply. Pre-book company, movement, and sleep for the two days that follow so the gap doesn't fill itself.
When leaving carries risk
If there has been physical violence, threats, stalking, or control over money and documents, the sequence above changes: leaving is the highest-risk moment, and a plan should be made with someone trained rather than alone.
Keep evidence somewhere they cannot access, tell someone the timing, and use a domestic abuse line to plan the logistics. Nothing on this page substitutes for that support.
Frequently asked questions
What should I say when a narcissist hoovers me?
Where nothing practical is unresolved, say nothing — silence is a complete reply. When logistics genuinely need settling, send one written, factual sentence that contains no questions, no history, and no information about your life, then stop responding in that thread.
Is it better to block or to mute a hoovering ex?
Block when you have no shared obligations and no need for records. Mute and filter when children, tenancy, money, or legal matters mean messages may become evidence — you keep the record without the message reaching you in real time.
How do I grey rock someone I have to co-parent with?
Keep every message to arrangements: times, places, and confirmations. Use the same short sentence to decline any other topic, acknowledge loaded questions with a neutral "noted", and document missed handovers as dated facts rather than complaints.
Should I send a final closure message before going no contact?
A closing message is still contact, and it usually invites a response. Closure comes from the pattern being visible to you, not from them agreeing with your account of it — stopping the thread works better than ending it well.
What do I do if I already replied to a hoover?
Nothing is reset to zero. Stop the thread where it is rather than explaining why you are stopping, note which opener worked on you — warmth, crisis, guilt, nostalgia — and add it to your list so the same material is less effective next time.
How long should an exit plan take to write?
About twenty minutes for the written parts: your default response, the exception list, channel setup, and the two people you brief. The practical layer — passwords, accounts, documents, keys — usually takes a few days and is worth doing before any conversation about leaving.
Next read
Trauma Bonding: Why It’s Hard to Leave & How to Break Free
The full picture: what a trauma bond is, the cycle that creates it, and the steps that loosen it.
The usual next step for readers on this page.
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After a discard
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Hoovering
The seven hoover types, the messages they use, and how to decide your response before it arrives.
With a parent
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If you feel unsafe
Trauma bonds can exist alongside real danger. If you are at risk right now, contact local emergency services. Region-specific hotlines and safety planning are on our crisis page.
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