Hoovering or reach-out? Decide before you answer

Hoovering or reach-out? Decision tool

Five steps, in the order that matters. Each one carries its own do and don’t guidance, and the answers combine into a recommended outcome with the reasoning shown, so you can disagree where it’s wrong. Answers stay on this device.

Step 1 of 5 · 0 answered

1. Step 1 · SafetyIs there any threat, intimidation, stalking, or history of physical harm?

   Answer for the whole relationship, not only the last message.

   Yes — and it still feels possibleYes, in the pastNo, nothing like that

   While you’re on this step

   Do

   • Screenshot the message with its timestamp before you do anything else.
   • Tell one person you trust that contact has started again.
   • Check your device and account settings if the contact arrived somewhere you'd blocked them.

   Don’t

   • Don't reply to prove you're not afraid — a reply confirms the channel works.
   • Don't delete messages you may need later as a record.
   • Don't meet in private to 'settle it' after any history of harm.
2. Step 2 · ObligationIs there something practical genuinely unresolved between you?

   Children, a lease, shared money, a workplace, or belongings still in one place.

   Yes — children or caregivingYes — housing, money, work, or belongingsIt was practical, but it's already settledNo, nothing is outstanding

   While you’re on this step

   Do

   • Write down the one concrete thing that actually needs deciding, in a single sentence.
   • Move logistics to a channel you can archive — email or a co-parenting app.
   • Hand off a belongings swap to a third party or a public drop-off if you can.

   Don’t

   • Don't let a real errand carry a conversation on top of it.
   • Don't reopen a settled arrangement because the message reframed it as urgent.
   • Don't accept 'we need to talk' as a practical matter — it isn't one.
3. Step 3 · PatternWhat does this contact look like compared to the ones before it?

   Same cycle — warmth, then pressure, then blameMore frequent or from more directionsFirst contact in a long whileDifferent — specific, accountable, no pressure

   While you’re on this step

   Do

   • Compare this message to the last three; look for the same shape, not the same words.
   • Notice whether the message names a specific harm or only names feelings.
   • Give real change the one test it can't fake: time with no pressure.

   Don’t

   • Don't treat an apology as evidence — treat changed behaviour over months as evidence.
   • Don't reward a message that arrived through friends or family.
   • Don't answer inside the first hour, whatever it says.
4. Step 4 · CostHow do you feel for the rest of the day after contact with them?

   Wrecked — it derails everythingShaky for a few hoursMostly steady now

   While you’re on this step

   Do

   • Put a fixed delay between reading and answering — 24 hours is enough.
   • Do one grounding round before you decide anything.
   • Log the urge and what you did with it, so the pattern becomes visible.

   Don’t

   • Don't decide while your heart is still racing.
   • Don't reread the thread looking for a version that hurts less.
   • Don't measure your progress by how calmly you can talk to them.
5. Step 5 · Your aimWhat do you actually want three months from now?

   To be done and thinking about them much lessCivil, low-friction dealings onlyI honestly don't know yet

   While you’re on this step

   Do

   • Decide your answer now, while calm, and hold it for the next message too.
   • Tell one person what you decided so it isn't yours alone to defend.
   • Re-run this in a month — the right answer changes as the pattern does.

   Don’t

   • Don't announce your boundary to them; enforce it quietly instead.
   • Don't make a permanent decision to end a temporary feeling.
   • Don't promise a future conversation to close down the present one.